Archer Gets Carded
by Red Witch
Summary: Archer tries to improve his image with business cards.


**The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters is missing in some cards somewhere. This is just some stuff that needed to get out of my tiny little brain. Stupid pointless madness while waiting for Season 8!**

 **Archer Gets Carded**

"STERLING!" Mallory shouted as she and Cyril stormed into Archer's office.

"Archer!" Cyril shouted as he followed Mallory.

"What?" Archer sighed as he was reading a magazine and drinking some scotch at his desk.

"Explain something to me Sterling," Mallory snapped.

"Well Mother sometimes I get very drunk and the drinking makes me say strange things," Archer drawled.

"You say a lot of strange things when you're sober," Cyril quipped. "Oh wait, you're **never** sober."

"You know…?" Archer gave him a look as he put down his magazine.

"Explain to me why you charged over two hundred dollars to my credit card?" Mallory glared at her son.

"Because I couldn't crack the password on Cyril's credit card," Archer admitted.

"You really should change it from Duchess," Cyril told Mallory.

"I gotta give it to you this time Cyril," Archer said. "I really couldn't crack it."

"That's why I changed it," Cyril said.

"Can we **not** change the subject?" Mallory snapped. "Your little misdirection trick won't work this time Sterling! What did you sponge off me?"

"Something very important for this agency!" Archer said proudly.

"And what is it?" Cyril sighed. "I ask knowing that it's probably something completely stupid."

"Business cards!" Archer took out a stack of small cards from his desk. "Over two hundred business cards! Professionally laminated and everything! Say what you want about big office merchandise stores. They know how to make a great business card."

"This I have **got** to see," Cyril said as he and Mallory took a card to read. "Sterling Archer. Licensed private investigator of the Archer Agency. Head of the Archer Agency. Founder of the Archer Agency."

"Yeah and there's an image of a gun worked in with a woman's silhouette," Archer grinned. "Classy huh? And there's a phone number for my office. What do you think?"

"Couple things," Cyril sighed. "The first thing that jumped out at me is that the name of this agency is **The Figgis Agency**!"

"I never agreed to that so…" Archer began.

"Second," Cyril went on. "You're not a licensed investigator. You're nowhere **near** being a licensed investigator! Meaning you are still an **unlicensed** investigator!"

"Oh come on Cyril!" Archer scoffed. "I'm sure I'm pretty close to completing my two thousand hours of certification."

"Not even close," Cyril sighed.

"Relatively close," Archer shrugged.

"Nowhere close," Cyril said.

"Close enough," Archer shrugged.

"Nowhere **near** close enough," Cyril told him.

"I know I have a lot of hours," Archer waved.

"I know you're delusional," Cyril gave him a look.

"Let's move on to number three," Mallory interrupted. "This business about you being the head of the Archer Agency…"

"Figgis Agency," Cyril corrected.

"Whatever," Mallory rolled her eyes. "But you being the **head** of the Archer Agency?"

"Figgis Agency," Cyril told her.

"Clearly, I would be the head of the Archer Agency," Mallory went on.

 _"Figgis Agency!"_ Cyril snapped. "And you're not the boss either!"

"Now who's **delusional?** " Archer scoffed.

"So basically, you made up fake cards for a fake agency for a fake license you don't even have?" Cyril gave Archer a look.

"And you charged it on **my charge card**?" Mallory snapped.

"Why are you so surprised Ms. Archer?" Pam walked in with Pam. "Your son does that all the time."

"Seriously," Pam laughed. "He's only been doing that like **forever?** "

"Again, I couldn't figure out how to access Cyril's card!" Archer snapped. "What did you do? Write my name in ampersands and dollar signs as you insulted me?"

"What makes you think I used you in my password?" Cyril folded his arms.

"Oh please! It's so obvious you did!" Archer snapped. "What is it? Archer is an asshole? Archer is an idiot?"

"It can't be those," Pam said. "None of those have numbers in them."

"Archer is a moron 37?" Archer asked.

"Why the number 37?" Cyril asked.

"It's the amount of times I've imagined throwing you out the window!" Archer snapped.

"You do that too?" Cheryl asked. "Of course, I don't actually _throw_ Cyril out the window. I just picture him slipping and falling through a window. Usually lube."

"That does seem a more plausible way for him to go," Mallory admitted.

"Yeah, I could see that happening," Pam nodded.

"You know…?" Cyril gave them a look.

"How about Archer is a dick 42?" Archer snapped. "67 times Archer showed up drunk? Archer passed out at work 157 times?"

"Hang on," Mallory looked around. "Let me get a pen and some paper. I want to write these down."

"Well that didn't happen literally Mother," Archer told her.

"I know," Mallory said. "Those number tallies are much higher."

"I know what Cyril's password is," Cheryl grinned.

"WHAT?" Cyril gasped. "You couldn't."

"I do!" Cheryl grinned.

"You don't," Cyril snapped.

"Wanna bet?" Cheryl smirked. "Pam and I get the afternoon off tomorrow with pay if I do."

"Fine! Take your best shot!" Cyril told her. She whispered in his ear. "How the hell did you know **that?** "

"Oh please it was so freaking obvious," Cheryl waved.

"Well not to me!" Archer snapped. "What is it?"

"I'll give you the whole day off tomorrow with pay if you **don't** tell Archer," Cyril said quickly.

"Deal," Cheryl grinned.

"Damn it Carol…" Archer growled.

"Sterling Mallory Archer…" Mallory growled.

"Why are you so mad?" Archer asked.

"Why do you **think?** " Mallory grabbed the business cards. "You spent two hundred dollars of my money for these erroneous business cards!"

"I bet it's to impress Veronica Deane," Pam spoke up.

" _Thank you_ , Pam!" Mallory said sarcastically. "I thought I could go **an entire day** without hearing **that name**. But you proved me wrong!"

"You're welcome," Pam grinned. "Fess up. It was to impress Veronica Deane, wasn't it?"

"Well not _just_ her," Archer admitted.

Mallory shrieked. "You spend my money, lie about being the head of my agency and it's all to impress some has been and potential bimbos?"

"Again, it's the **Figgis Agency** ," Cyril groaned. " **My agency**! Why does nobody get that?"

"Oh Sterling will **get it** all right!" Mallory glared at her son and held the cards in her hand. "I might as well get some use out of these pieces of useless scrap papers!"

"Uh oh," Archer gulped. "I know that look…It's the poker lessons all over again!"

"Ms. Archer taught her son how to play poker?" Pam blinked. "Then how come he's so bad at it?"

"Well it doesn't help that she used the cards to inflict physical violence whenever I won or lost," Archer said. "Really sent a lot of mixed messages."

"How's this for a message?" Mallory raised the cards in her hands.

"AAAHHH!" Archer instinctively bolted out of the office, knocking aside Cyril.

"YOU CAN RUN BUT YOU CAN'T HIDE STERLING!" Mallory pushed past Cyril to chase after her son.

"I'll give her this," Cheryl remarked. "For an old lady she can still run."

"This I have to see," Cyril smirked with an evil grin as he followed them.

"So what is it?" Pam asked Cheryl. "Cyril's password?"

"Lana loves Cyril Stir Friday," Cheryl said. "Only the a's are ampersands, the O is a zero and the I's are ones."

"Well no wonder Archer didn't get it," Pam realized. "Ampersands are hard."

"AAAAAHHHH!" Archer screamed.

"Archer's getting it now," Cheryl giggled as she looked out of the room. "Wow, I never saw anyone get literally carded before."

"AAAHHHH! OWWWW!" Archer shouted.

"I've never seen a **lot** of things before I started running with this crazy ass crew," Pam admitted.


End file.
